Long-Term Recovery: Overcoming Resentments

I was asked to talk to one of my friend’s friends. She had overdosed and would be spending a couple of weeks in the hospital. She had also gotten a probation violation. As we talked all I heard were resentments. She was angry with the world!

“How dare the hospital keep me here.”

“How dare my probation officer file a violation.”

“If my friend hadn't got me high, I wouldn't be in his mess.”

Her resentments reminded me of………..me! Resentments robbed me of my serenity for years. I allowed them to keep me trapped in a cycle of addiction for years. If not resolved, they will do the same to you!

What is a resentment?

Negative emotion due to a perceived (real or imagined) wrong. Even if the wrong is imagined, you are no less angry. Perception is reality!

Why do we hold resentments?

The single biggest reason you hold onto resentments is because you are afraid that forgiving someone that hurt you is letting them get away with it! They are getting off easy for the hurt you have to live with.

How do resentments damage us?

It has been said that holding a resentment is like drinking poison, then waiting for the other person to die. Holding ill will or hate in your heart for someone is physically and emotionally draining. When you are drained, it is hard to do anything. You’re exhausted.

Resentments shift focus from you to somebody else. You don’t like change. It makes you feel uncomfortable and can be painful. Someone else changing, however, does not hurt you at all.

Finally, resentments keep you trapped in the past. You can never get free from the past if you keep dredging it up. To move into recovery, you have to let go of it.

How to overcome resentments:

1.    Make a list of all the people, places and things that cause you to have negative feelings.

2.    Write what they did or what happened that makes you feel the way you do about them.

3.    Write the specific part of your life the resentments affect.

4.    Write down the part you played in

5.    Review your list with a sponsor or mentor

6.    Forgive yourself and others

4^th Step Resentment Sheet: http://www.step12.com/aa-files/4th-step-resentments-x.pdf

Most people have a problem with step 6. Remember, forgiveness is not saying what was done is right. Forgiveness is often not for the other person. Forgiveness allows you to obtain freedom by stopping the other person from controlling your emotions. It also brings happiness and spiritual/emotional healing. 

In closing, overcoming resentments is difficult if done alone. That is why we have sponsors and mentors. They guide us in our spiritual journey by giving us feedback and support. It is impossible to live happy, joyous and free while holding resentments. Only by forgiving  yourself and other will you be able to live life with an attitude of gratitude!